It has come to my attention just how much I inarticulately resent you, this is not to say I am unhappy with my life because in my state of being, I have a radiating glow from all that has fallen into my lap the past few months since the end of us. It seems as though the angels are looking out for me, gradually swaying me along this route of moving on, though my thoughts tend to spin in your direction quite frequently. I don’t act, nor dare touch my phone or take the bus but you’re clearly still there, redundantly having a place resided inside of me.
And there he was, placed right before with that crooked cane in hand, his eyes dwindling up from my feet onto my skirt, my waist and straight into me where our eyes met for the first time in months, mine never strayed away. A refusal inside of my head not cower down to him, a small smile arose across my face as I step closer into him.
“Hey there stranger,” I say chirpily, avoidance to the tension trickling down my spine, placing the uncomfortable stand point into the tips of my toes as they measure up to him with a sense of delight. “I haven’t seen you in some time. How are things?” I ask while calming back down onto the ground, feet planted straight before me into the concrete as a roar of crowd passes us by making small talk. He looks uncomfortable, I stare with intent to walk away smiling, a vibrant satisfaction of making good with the unbearable but his stern dark eyes looking to me with confusion put a bit of uneasy weight onto my back. I smile to him once more, pulling a dread behind my ear and questioning him with my eyes like I always did when I saw this look upon his face, the unsettling blank stare that sent waves of uncertainty through out the air between us, those unreadable eyes of his that from my foretell would remain a stiffening downfall. My neck senses a string of vibes sent forward as I fear the clock coming to it’s time, right on the dot.
“Bridget!” Angies calls over to me from a jewelery stand about five feet away, I break the lingering eye contact with a head turn to the right and a small smirk towards the ground to soften the strict silence, my head turns to her voice as I clearly see the It’s time to walk away look appear on her face, I quickly scan the busy street focusing on Brittany standing next to her, a questioning yet alarmed look is sent my way as our eyes meet giving me her opinion and then to Pan who is softly shaking his head to me- the protecting truth has spoken, it’s time for me to walk away I repeat in my head with a soft nod to Angie accepting their concerned flow of vibes. With a breath of release, I look back to Emberson whose face is less stricken yet still uninviting, a quick wonder of what is currently prancing around his mind, nothing registers- for the first time, I willingly open my mouth to bid final farewell.
“Look,” I say counting the words I’m about to say. “I better get back. It was really nice seeing you Emberson, I hope everything is well for you.” A gentle smile, one look in his eyes and with no sign of recognition, I was turning around to go back into my world, the life I created for myself with the decision to keep him at distance exactly where he needed to be and as I looked to my protective friends to see their faces loosen up tenseness, a rush of comfort passed over me. I was heading in the right direction- I could count on that.
“Wait…” An unsure, cracked voice is heard from behind me as I reach to step off the curb onto the street. “Bee!” Rising in sound and coming closer to me, I stop in place at the edge just balancing on the arch of my feet, taking in another calming inhale before facing anything that could be put in my way from this point on. My face is blank, I turn around taking a step closer onto the sidewalk before losing my balance as he appears right before me much closer than I had placed him to be, I don’t act on this to make unnecessary discomfort instead I just look to him with a joking sense and hold onto to the ‘s’ in my “Yes?” while letting my skirt flow about in the wind. He wasn’t expecting this from me, his face says that the seriousness of his placement is questioned but he pushes forward onto what he was about to say letting a harsh intensity soak in.
“Your book,” He pauses as I rekindle back to the moment I left it, sat upon his bedroom floor, tapping it twice with the sureness that I was leaving it where it needed to be. “I still have it, not with me though. You should come get it.” I give him a quizzical look, wondering if he is inviting me back up to his place or just reminding me that one time or another I am going to be faced with the temptation of being at his house again.
“Indeed, it is.” I work through the outcomes and smile at this. “Have you read it yet?” My cheeks are full, I already knew the answer- my thoughts spark, my hopes are that I’m not right but who was I kidding? This ploy would only remain in stance if he had actually acknowledged my placement of loaning out gifts, I had left it there for a reason not a one way ticket in when the inevitable end of us came to surface.
“I told you that I wouldn’t…” He says with a smirk. “With it’s first grade font, yeah right!” That quickly and I had already began to steam, his typical stand-point in place and I had expected no different.
“Keep it.” I say with a smile. “When you’re ready to open up your mind passed the font, you might actually enjoy the words. Have a nice night!” I begin to turn around when he grabs at my swinging wrist, pulling me back forward. In the quick glimpse I got of Angie’s face, I saw the jaw drop and eyes light on fire.
“Wow!” I shout out to him, he quickly drops hold as I swing my arm back into place with hesitant protection, I do not back away from him though- I simply let the words flow outward to him. “You do not grab me like that!”
He begins with a pitiful “I’m sorry, I just-” when I forcefully interupt before hearing the petty bullshit about to be brought on. “No! You cannot justify grabbing me with any type of excuse, you ‘just’ what, Emberson? What are you going to say to make that okay?” He looks down onto the ground and back at me when Angie appears from behind.
“Bridget, it’s time to go.” She says to me, putting her arm around my shoulder turning our direction while glaring towards Emberson. He begins to speak when she overshows his voice with a loud “No!” and continues stepping away, I hated the sensation in the pit of my stomach that wanted to stay around for what he had to say but I applied to the pressure put onto my right shoulder to keep walking, her reassurance that it was going to be okay.
“Will you wait a minute!” He whines as we step away, no sound of his cane moving closer meaning he was about to back down. “Come on Bridget, let me just talk to you!” I close my eyes when hearing my name on his lips, trying not to look back as Angie’s speed continues with pace, I still feel his eyes on my back when turning to her with proposition, she see’s this on my face and offers up a suggestive no before I make the decision plastered across my face. I glance at him, he was starting to walk away before catching eye of my mid-way stop and now he is looking at me with curiosity.
“I want closure.” I say turning my face back to her, direct contact of our eyes as I try to show my sincerity of what this means to me. “I’m going to be smart about this.. it’s just a talk. He’s engaged for Christ sake!” Bowing her head to me, I still see the uncertainty. “I know my boundaries, let me test myself.”
She heads towards Brittany and Pan giving the signal of stupidity, walking off together with a quick glance back to me- I haven’t moved and neither has he, until I see them drowned out into the crowd of people, I remain in place questioning the safety of this situation but take the leap forward, back onto the sidewalk where he stares at me.
“Twenty minutes.” I say walking up the hill, passing him. “Let’s walk.” He follows along beside me, questioning the situation himself before speaking to me. I don’t offer up conversation, continuing on path with my head straight forward, comfortably enjoying the silence as we walk along the street together. This isn’t how I had pictured it, a tension filled walk with an engaged man who remains under my skin but the imagery I had fantasized before was much more pleasant, finally, I had thought, being able to show to the world the love of my life linked hand in hand with his silly bear cane and crooked smile. It was all wrong, I had thought about turning around and losing myself in the crowd but I just couldn’t leave it like this.
“So, where to?” He asks, his voice unsteady as we reach the top of the small hill leading three different directions, I knew asking the question back would only lead to his stalled along indecisiveness so instead I choose left and point with a questioning look for his approval. “Can we go somewhere we can talk alone?” I look around prancing through places in my head to avoid ending up at his house but before coming to a conclusion, he begins to speak. “How about my house? I can give you back your book..” My eyes take shape with a subtle glare his way before conjuring up a suitable reply.
“I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Emberson.” I say politely with out mixing up my intentions. “How about the park?” I ask
-
“I’m going to stay outside.” I say as he punches in the code for his lock, he turns to me with sudden movement as if I offended him in some way so I give him a swift smile hoping to ease the air. His eyes remain with a question.
“Bee, it’s cold.” He says suggesting a different outlook. “It will just be a minute, I can lend you a sweater and then we’ll be gone.” Not an inch of my being believed this statement but with trust in myself, I nod my head and step inside where he closes the door behind me. This makes me flinch.
“Where’s Shawn?” I ask seeing the empty living room, a quick glance into the main bedroom and the only noise remaining was Emberson’s footsteps making their way into the kitchen.
“Out.” His head popping out the kitchen entrance back at me still placed across the room, my energy practically clinging to the exit. “You coming? Or are you going to start making out with the door sometime soon?” He sends a smirk my way and I can’t help but laugh as I attempt to gracefully walk across the carpet with out making indents, my foot prints just didn’t feel in place here anymore, so, even when one would appear, I’d quickly wipe it away with hopes he wouldn’t pop in again to watch me cautiously erase myself. Once I got to the kitchen door, I slowed my pace hearing the creaks flood across the tile floor until I reached the entrance to his bedroom, his door is flung wide open and he had already turned on his music proving my theory of bullshit definitely spat. I’m feeling high but haven’t taken anything, focusing too closely, scaring myself completely so I focus on coming back down to reality, currently experiencing the euphoric spinning of thought that I had spotted out months back, the uncontrollable difference in mind change while in the presence of Emberson that I always walked right into. It was like smoking marijuana for me, a tempting yes but an ultimate outcome of no- too far away from reality to bare. I was slowly swindling back down.
I hear him rifling around his closet but cannot see him, I stay put leaning at his door frame as I see a sweater fly across his room onto the bed, and then another, and one more barley sticking it’s landing at the very edge of his mattress still slowly making it’s way falling down onto the floor. Emberson walks out, chest up and squeezing his face together causing me to giggle.
“Oh yeah, I’m so manly…” He says in a deeper voice than his own placing his hands into fists onto his hips, standing tall looking up to the ceiling. “I’ve got so many stylish sweaters that you have to choose one. All tastefully coordinate to your outfit. Ayo!” He shouts out while then pushing his bottom lips out and slightly closing his eyes, I couldn’t help but let down my guards and burst out into laughter. When I lift my head, he’s staring at me- his face back to proper Emberson with a soft laughter still on his breath but when I make eye contact, he quickly jolts down onto the bed and begins to speak, picking up the sweater which is now completely on the floor into his hands and up into the air.
“So, since it’s obvious that you’re absolutely terrified of my room now, I will just present the fashionable sweaters to you so that you won’t actually have to come any closer. My Feng-shui not in order? Vibes out of line?” He says to me with a wink. The bitter swing of his sarcasm, I smile and test the water, I can get comfortable, I think to myself while stepping into the box rooms which drowns me out- I sit onto the computer chair about two feet away, deciding to make difference of this situation by choosing a different outlook.
“Definitely the vibes, man.” I laugh at him, sensing as though he knew I would sit down and again feeling like I was abiding by the rules of his game. This made me uncomfortable. I wait for him to show me the sweaters, with out actually focusing on the silly introductions he was making for the showing of his clothes, spacing out I choose the second one and as leans over to put the sweater in my lap, his fingers linger pressing into my thigh. I question this, looking up into his face which appears right before me, a strong stare with background intent which instantly send my feet to the ground, pressure into my legs and standing up tall with a silent gasp under my breath as I snap myself out of it.
“It’s time for me to leave, Emberson.” I say to him with a stand-off tone, quickly sliding the sweater sleeves over my arms and wrapping it around my waist, inching towards the door attempting to slow down the spinning of my mind. He remains sitting as I reach to open the door, cracking it open and beginning a sentence when it slams shut, I look up to see an arm above my head pressed onto the door and turning red. Swiftly it moves fast pace, grabs a hold on my waist literally spinning me around, face to face I stand with Emberson as he pushes forward into that one perfect kiss where the dreamy lover refuses to let her walk out the door, taking her into his arms and showing her exactly what kind of burning passion she’d be leaving behind. As wonderful as that had seemed, my morals couldn’t let it happen that way.
I’m trying to stay away yet the urges linger, I repeat conversations in my head- words I’ve said that I wish I didn’t, words I wish to say and imaginary conversations that may not ever happen again. I still want to check up on you, see how you’re doing and if everything is going alright but then I’m struck hard, you’re simply not worth it. That’s not my opinion, I would move mountains for you, do anything to see us radiate passion and love like I had always imagined on those long lonely nights, the perfection that would become us when I got to hold you in my arms again, states away and months passing- I was always by your side and I awaited your arrival through it all. Now you’re home but I’m not your home, I may never be and the words fly by so quickly that it’s hard to grasp; marriage, us, forever, love. It was never real.
First boy to break my heart, three years back, crying in my best friends car on a chilly day in March and three years later, you’re the only with the power to break me down. I’m not crying this time but it hurts just as terribly.
You, my good sir, are the only man who will ever break me.
I can’t write about it anymore, I try but it hurts too much. The bitter sweet lullaby that I will call our own, the story of me and you. The only end that continues to sting with each and every mistake made. So, I guess- you win. You’re stronger, less likely to go falling in love to the point of no return and better at keeping a straight face when all I want is emotion. I tried for you, I tried it all. Pitiful little me, not enough courage to follow through on the means of my using, I can’t even write about it. I can’t even fucking write about it. You’ve locked me away into the depths of my own mind, the world that lives inside with out a release.
A current chain of events is taking place in my life, I feel that this is a very important time for me- a lot of learning, seeing the error of my ways, signs on every step of my path, clarity and self-growth. I’m going to start writing it down, the simple things, the coincidences that so happen to be life changing almost frequently. I’m taking rightful advantage, I believe, of this world’s gift to learn and cherish- pay attention, mainly.
I’m going to love you, through it all. I’m not giving up. So do with it what you will, I’m putting myself on the line- my emotions, my vulnerabilities, my insecurites and my love. Take it all or leave me behind. I need clarity though, I’m not going to settle for less. And the thing is, I think we could be really great together, if we stopped the bullshit and anger towards one other, I see us lasting for a very long time and I love the idea of that, I’ve never felt such need to be around someone, to want to give them all that I have and completely lose myself; Being here with you, I have some of the most wonderful feelings I’ve ever experienced and I’m terrified that you may not feel the same way but I’m willing to wait and slowly grow close to someone- to actually face the fears before letting them control my actions. I’m not backing down again, I’m here and want to be reassured that you are too. We just have to try, together… with one another, for the other person. I promise to love you with all that I have to give.
Everyday is different with you, wonderful and then terrible, passionate and heart-breaking. I want you so bad, I just can’t give up but you make it so hard to continue on. I’m done hurting but the craving remains.
The two of us fell onto the bed together, weightlessly colliding into one anothers arms- lips seeping of passion and anxious fingers dwindling up and down our bodies which so desperately needed each other. I held my love close and relished in the sweetness of these moments together, the tenderness in his movements and the head high intensely arising, corrupting me as a whole as my world slowly drifted away, it was only me and him- everything seemed perfect and there was no where else I needed to be. His room which seemed foggy and his hazy eyes staring into mine, time had stopped- I was somewhere else, some alternate universe in which for now, everything was beautiful and piled over with pleasure, I was in a blinding state of bliss. With this realization, I give myself up- I begin to mutter out the words clogging up my throat, the three lovely words that had not been said just yet in today’s vibrant atmosphere yet they flow outward when the meaning falls into place, quiet whispers chiming into one another, my voice lowering as his collapses over mine and it takes me a moment to realize that we had said the same thing when suddenly I feel the smile arise on my face- the look in my eyes gleam and my hands tense up around his neck as I pull myself into him, mouths numb, magnetic to one another and I wondered if anything could ever amount to this moment.
